Giving in the family budget: generous without fearing for your future

Dinner, Tuesday. The phone rings, an unknown number: a charity, a kind volunteer, a story that gets to you. Five minutes later you've given 180 ILS and you're back at the table feeling mixed. The next day there's a school fundraiser. The week after, a relative who's struggling. And at the end of the year, when someone asks "how much did we give this year, anyway?", neither of you knows.

Sometimes you gave in the moment and felt afterwards it was too much. Sometimes you said no and felt uneasy all evening. Either way, the decision wasn't really yours. It belonged to whoever called.

The old story says giving is what you do when there's money left over, and that it competes with building the family's security. So the old answers sit at two ends: give to everyone who asks until it gets heavy, or refuse everyone and feel uncomfortable with yourselves.

Why giving in the family budget feels random

There is a part of you that worries about every shekel that leaves. It sees the goal for the flat and the fund for hard times, and every donation looks like a step backwards. That part is guarding the household's financial security, and a sense of control in the face of a steady stream of requests. And there is a part of you that wants to give, to make a difference, to be part of something bigger than your home. Both are real, and both need to feel heard.

The randomness isn't a lack of generosity or a lack of responsibility. It comes from every request arriving as a new decision, at an unexpected moment, with a person on the line. Anyone who decides dozens of times a year under that kind of pressure knows the feeling of giving that doesn't match what they actually want, in one direction or the other.

And giving itself doesn't have to feel like a loss. Elizabeth Dunn, Lara Aknin and Michael Norton published findings in Science in 2008 linking spending on others to feeling better for the givers. We cover that study and others in money and happiness.

Planned giving: one decision instead of dozens

What was missing wasn't money or heart. It was one decision, made in advance, that answers all of the year's requests. Planned giving is part of the budget, like any other goal, and it's your choice.

Giving in the moment vs planned giving

Aspect	In the moment	Planned
Who decides	Whoever called	Both of you, once a year
How much	Whatever came out on the spot	An annual amount you set
To whom	Whoever asked first	A short list you chose
After saying no	Unease	"It's not on our list this year"
At year end	"How much did we even give?"	One number you know

In the momentPlanned

In the moment

Who decides

Whoever called

How much

Whatever came out on the spot

To whom

Whoever asked first

After saying no

Unease

At year end

"How much did we even give?"

A yearly amount and a short list, decided once

Give from one decision you made together: an amount for the year and a short list of what matters to you. Without answering every request in a moment of pressure, and without feeling that every shekel out moves you further from your security. There's no right number here. There's your number, even if it starts small.

From the list to the receipts: giving that feels like a decision

Stage 1: Three things you care about supporting

One evening, one page, three lines. Maybe health, maybe education, maybe your own community. Not a list of ten; three. The short list is what makes saying no simple: what isn't on it isn't on it this year, and that says nothing bad about whoever asked.

Stage 2: An amount for the year

Not per month, per year, because requests don't arrive evenly. Some families follow maaser kesafim (מעשר כספים), the tradition of setting aside a tenth of income for giving. Others choose a smaller percentage, or a round sum. What matters is that the percentage becomes an annual amount in shekels, because an amount can be measured. A family that picks 2,400 ILS a year, for example, gives 200 ILS a month on average.

Stage 3: A line in the budget

In AlphaHome: create a category called "Giving" in settings, and on the budget page give it a variable budget with a yearly period. A yearly budget is measured from January to the month on show, so the budget page shows how much you've given since the start of the year against the amount you set. The expense list itself shows one month at a time, so the yearly picture lives on the budget page.

Now the 180 ILS in the middle of dinner is no longer a new decision. It's one line out of an amount you already chose.

And midway through the year, when a request moves you, the question isn't "can we afford this?" but "how much is left in this year's giving line?" That question has an answer, and both of you see it on the same screen.

Stage 4: The tax credit for donations, and receipts

A donation to a public institution recognised under section 46 of the Income Tax Ordinance can earn a tax credit. The credit rate, the ceiling, the minimum amount and the list of recognised institutions are published by the Israel Tax Authority; check them there, because some of them update every year and your own case may differ. What you can do right now: keep every receipt, and note in the expense's description who you gave to.

Stage 5: An annual look back

Once a year, on the same evening you set next year's amount, look back: how much you gave, to whom, and how it felt. If you already do an annual family financial checkup, giving is one line in it.

When family asks, when the month is tight, when no is hard to say

A relative in difficulty asks for help, and the request is emotionally heavy. Helping family isn't the same as donating, and it deserves a place of its own. Today: don't decide on the phone. "We'll get back to you tomorrow" is a respectful answer. Next time: a separate category called "Family help," with its own yearly budget and a limit you both agree on. Regular help to parents is covered in helping aging parents.

A tight month. The car's in the garage, the arnona (municipal tax) is due, and there's no room for giving. That's part of the plan, not a departure from it. Today: give less this month, or nothing, without guilt. Next time: because the amount is yearly, one weak month doesn't change the big decision.

A request comes for something not on the list, and saying no feels awkward. A ready sentence. "We give according to a list we set at the start of the year, and this isn't on it this year. We wish you every success." Today: write the sentence down by the phone. Next time: if something keeps coming back and moving you, it's a candidate for next year's list.

Generosity with an address

As long as each request is a new decision, each one brings the same unease. Not because you're stingy or careless, but because nobody offered you another way. A short list, a yearly amount and one line in the budget are that way.

Your giving stops being a reply to the phone and becomes something you chose. And at the end of the year, seeing the "Giving" line against the amount you set, you'll know exactly what you did, and why.

This week: write down together three things you care about supporting, create a "Giving" category in settings, and then, on the budget page, a variable budget with a yearly period for the amount you chose for the year, even if it starts small.