Money beliefs from home: what you learned about money as a child

Saturday night at the mall. One of you holds up a jacket for your son, 280 ILS, and smiles: "It suits him, let's take it." The other looks at the tag and their stomach tightens. Nobody says anything, but the drive home is heavy with silence. And back home, when he asks for something else, you hear yourself say "money doesn't grow on trees", and realise those are your father's exact words.

One of you grew up in a house where every shekel was counted out loud, at the table. The other grew up in a house where money wasn't discussed and bills were opened in another room. Both of those houses are still talking, through you, and in front of your children.

You were told that's just how you are. That one of you is "a spender" and one "a tightwad", that your attitude to money is character, and character doesn't change. The fixes you tried followed from that: win the argument, split the accounts so there's nothing left to fight about, or simply go quiet.

Childhood money attitudes: why a parent's saying is hard to drop

Part of you wants peace; part of you stays loyal to the house you came from. Both are telling the truth.

Peace means a money conversation that doesn't end with a slammed door, and the feeling that you're pulling in the same direction. Loyalty runs deeper. When your partner criticises "we don't talk about money", it's hard not to hear criticism of your parents, and hard not to rush to their defence. What you're guarding in that moment is genuinely precious: belonging, loyalty, identity. That's why a parent's saying is so hard to let go of: dropping it feels like dropping them. You don't need to fight that feeling. It's enough to see that choosing isn't the same as betraying anyone.

Why the argument about spending never ends

The argument about the jacket was never about the jacket. That's why it doesn't end even when you agree on the price. It isn't your fault, and it isn't your partner's either: each of you is reacting to an inner script about money that neither of you chose.

The researchers Brad Klontz, Sonya Britt and colleagues (Journal of Financial Therapy, 2011) built a questionnaire that measures money scripts, the inner beliefs people hold about money, and sorted them into four families:

In their study, scripts like these were linked to income, debt and financial behaviour. That they're learned at home is part of the explanation the researchers propose, not something the study measured. But most of us recognise it without a study: the sayings reached us without anyone setting out to teach them.

And every saying has a reason. "Always keep some aside" may come from a house that went through hard times. "We don't talk about money" may come from a house that wanted to shield the children from worry. These sayings once helped someone. The only question is whether they help you now.

And when one partner's saying meets the other's, the argument is born. "What will people say" meets "always keep some aside", and both are sure they're protecting the family. Each is right, from inside their own home. So the way out isn't deciding who's right; it's putting both sayings on the table and choosing a third thing from them.

The question below isn't the researchers' questionnaire, and it isn't a diagnosis. It's a way into the conversation:

Which saying did you hear most at home?

Thinking of the house you grew up in, which money saying feels most familiar?

Pick the answer closest to yours. There is no wrong one.

Money ruins peopleA bit more and then it'll be fineWhat will people sayNever tell anyone what you have

Choosing together which sayings stay in your home

Choose together which money sayings from the homes you grew up in carry on in yours, and what your children will hear. Without criticising your parents, without deciding who's right, and without turning it into therapy. Half an hour, two sheets of paper, and one question: what do we want our children to hear about money?

A half-hour exercise: from limiting money beliefs to one shared saying

Step 1: three sayings each, alone

Each of you writes down three things about money you heard at home. No judging, no editing. Whatever comes up first is usually the right one.

Step 2: read them aloud, no reply

One reads, the other listens. No "but", no "that explains a lot". Just "I heard you". Then swap.

Step 3: for each saying, "how did it help me?"

Not "why is it wrong", but how it helped. That question lowers the guard: nobody has to defend their parents when what they gave is being acknowledged.

Step 4: one shared saying

From the six sayings, or inspired by them, write one that belongs to this house. For example: "We talk about money openly, and we decide about it in advance."

Step 5: what the children will hear

Agree on one saying you want the children to hear, and one you want to stop using in front of them. For the money conversation with the children themselves, there's a separate piece: pocket money for kids.

The exercise, step by step

• Each of us wrote down three sayings from home
• We read them aloud, with no reply
• We asked of each saying how it helped
• We wrote one shared saying
• We chose one saying the children will keep hearing

0 of 5 done

In AlphaHome: the shared household shows both of you the same expenses, and the dashboard names who recorded each row. The category the argument keeps returning to, such as clothes, gifts or outings, gets a budget agreed in conversation, not one set at the till.

When an old saying comes back to the table

The conversation slides into criticising the parents. "Your mother always..." and suddenly someone's hurt. Today: stop, and go back to "how did it help you?". Next time: agree in advance that you're discussing the saying, not the person who said it.

An old saying comes back in the next argument. It will; that's how it is with words you grew up with. Today: name it, "that's my what-will-people-say", and you're already halfway there. Next time: put the shared saying somewhere you'll see it.

One of you doesn't want to do the exercise. That's fine. Today: do step 1 alone, and listen to yourself for a week. Next time: share one saying, not three. And if the argument is mostly between the one who saves and the one who spends, the piece on the saver and spender couple focuses on exactly that.

If talking about money brings real distress, in the relationship or with the money itself, that's the point to turn to a suitable professional. This exercise is a conversation, not therapy.

A family that chooses what it says about money

The same sayings, with nobody choosing them, will probably bring the same argument, next time at the mall. But they weren't carved in stone. You get to decide which ones stay, and which ones end with you. And that may be the most meaningful thing your children receive from you on this subject: not a sum, but a sentence they'll repeat one day without noticing.

This week, on paper: write down everything said about money at home in front of the children, by you, your partner or the grandparents, and beside each one the saying from your parents' home it echoes. At the end of the week, mark the one you'd like the children to keep hearing.